Struggle

I don’t know about you but I have always battled with my weight through out my life. When I was a kid I got a little chubby right before I had a massive grow spurt who left me with stretch marks on my back!  The year before my grow spurt was horrible because I was teased to no end by my friends. When I was 17 I was trying my luck with modeling ( I am 1.78cm) for a while and I became obsessive with my weight. It didn’t help that the modeling agency told me that I needed to lose about 6 kilos because I have wide hips thanks to my mothers Greek heritage.  So I went down the rabbit whole of losing these few kilos who I could not stop at 6 kg only I eventually lost 12 kilos and was down to 51 kilos. I remember my brother coming to visit us in Brasil for Christmas and he did not recognize me at the airport. He was shocked and I just dismissed his worries because I never felt more in control of my life and happy when I was that skeleton teenager. But my health started to take a toll, my meals were non-existent and when I did eat I would go to the gym and run on the treadmill, after that I would go to the dry sauna to sweat it all out. I became a vegetarian as an excuse to avoid eating at home or when I went out, so I could just nibble on some salad or carrots and say that I was doing this because I believed animals deserved better.  So it got so bad that I started fainting for no apparent reason. I was always with a cold and my period started to become less regular. My parents were scared and decided I should go to Holland for a while and stay with my father. So I did and it was the best decision I ever made, I don’t know if I was a real anorexic or it was just a spell of mental instability.  Steadily I gained back 13 kilos and that was it my body just stayed at 63 for a long time. I could eat what ever I wanted and still stay at that weight, my uni friends were always saying how lucky I was and I would just think to myself that I felt fat anyway. So when I became 25 my body just changed, my metabolism slowed and I steadily started putting on the kilos. I always had a very unhealthy relationship with food and because of my slower metabolism these bad habits didn’t help me.  When I finally got pregnant I was so happy but terrified  about my weight but I literally  forced myself not to worry and just eat what I wanted. My fear was not that I was going to get fat but that my spell with anorexia would come back and harm my baby.  Before Luke was born I was 92 kilos my heaviest and Iwas miserable.  But after he was born most of it just disappeared  and I was around 83 kilos. When I looked at photos my hubby took of me with Luke I would scream inside.  So I just decided not to weigh myself any longer and avoid photos.  So now I have no clue how heavy I am, I know that I am a size 16 Australian and that I feel fat. I really want to go on diet or to the gym but I am terrified that I would go back to that rabbit whole again. So I am stuck and feeling not very attractive.  I think I will have to just face my fears and just find the best option for me and my health, I just hope I can be strong enough!

I;m on the left making the peace sign. This was taken in 2001 I had just been in Holland for 3 years and that was the weight that I was stuck on for a long time.

From NSS christmas party holga 2006

From New Year 09

pregnant with Luke 2 months before delivery!

From First time at the beach!!!!

at the beach with Luke I just could not see this picture for that year! Now I think I look great, go figure!

This year in April! 2012

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